Life DOES get better.
I stared at this page for 30 minutes trying to think of an intro for this article but there’s nothing that can truly grasp what I want to say in just one sentence. We have all had our share of highs and lows but some peoples lows may last longer than others. When half of you is trying to stay on track with life but the other part of you is falling apart. When you have so much you want to do but have zero motivation. When you literally just want to scream and cry IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. it is all going to be okay. In this article I am going to highlight some things I wish someone had taught me at my lowest and some personal background on myself to teach you guys the importance of mental health.
First I just wanted to say that there is no timestamp on your feelings, meaning that you are allowed to feel however you want for AS LONG as you need. No one is able to control the way you handle your emotions. Just because you see someone healing faster than you does not mean you have to rush your healing process. Everyone grows at their own pace.
In a way, I’ve created a perception in my head that as time passes I should be okay. Which yes, over all I am okay and will continue to work through things as life throws things at me. However, in the beginning, everyone around you expects you to be sad. Almost in a sense that if you’re not sad then you’re not grieving “correctly”. As if every second of the day is supposed to be filled with tears and sadness, almost like your not allowed to smile or even have a small laugh. A shift that feels like there is supposed to be a time stamp on grief and one day you magically wake up okay over a certain amount of time. As if one day the grief will go away or stop impacting you all together. Realistically, this is not the case. At least in my case.
It has been 155 days since Allie has passed. That’s 3,600 hours since I last heard my best friends voice. A little bit of a personal story for anyone reading who may not be familiar with what I am talking about, I lost my best friend Alexandra in a motor vehicle accident earlier this year. I had just got off the airplane on my way to Florida and my phone had dozens of messages when I turned it off airplane mode. Texts from people I haven’t talked to in years, Missed calls from my mom, I felt helpless. I was 1,153 miles away from home and I had just found out my best friend was no longer on this earth with me. But how? Why? How could this ACTUALLY be real. No no no she will be fine. Strongest person I have ever met in my life, I am sure she’s going to make it. Everything after then is a blur. The whole trip each day was worse. The news got worse everyday insted of better. I cried everyday and each night. I just wanted to be home with my friends and my mom. Most importantly I just wanted Allie to text me and honestly just tell me this was some sort of prank. Sadly, this was a new reality that everyone had to somehow adjust to. It felt wrong. It still does. Absolutely no one wants to move on without her. By the time I got back home she was no longer at the hospital and funeral services were already being discussed. Someone pinch me. Please. I am going to my best friends funeral. The best friend who would stay up with me every night till 3am on school nights. The best friend who dared me to pull the fire alarm in 3rd grade. The best friend who would write me notes in class just telling me how much she missed me. Unreal. NO ONE prepares you for this. This type of heartache.
Each day I am reminded that I will never see you again and that hurts like hell. Gradually it got easier to talk about her without crying as the months passed. At first I couldn’t even say “Allie” without becoming a hot mess. Now, almost 6 months later I smile proud when I say “Allie”. Not because I miss her any less but because I can proudly say she was simply the best person I had ever met in my life. Because each good story I say starts with “Allie”. Because at the end of the day, I cannot find a magic genie to bring you back here with me, but what I can do is carry on your legacy with me until I am not here on this earth as well. My love for Allie has done nothing but become stronger and from February 23rd till now, she has not once left my mind.
That’s the thing no one tells you about grieving. You feel stuck in your life and you don’t know what’s next. How could you? That empty feeling causes you to daydream at school and waking up each hour of the night. The one person you look to for reassurance isn’t even here to reassure you. And you know what. IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY. Sadly the good thing about reaching rock bottom is that there’s no where else but up.
So, How do we overcome the suffering?
Whether you are grieving over someone, if you lost your job or even if you got broken up with! My biggest piece of advice I could give you, that helps me, is that we accept it and we believe that things will get better without necessarily needing to know how or why. We don’t obsess over the cure; we just know that there will be a cure. The part to remember is that when we do come back, we will be slightly different than before. Everyone is suffering with something, some worse than others. The hard part isn’t giving up, the hard part is figuring out how to build yourself back up from the bottom. “With each bit of suffering, we discover another piece of wisdom that helps us through the next phase of our life.” - Tim Denning. It isn’t just one thing that pushes someone back to “happiness” but it is a series of attitudes and habits that they acquire over months and even years, developing habits that can help push them to achieve a more adaptable lifestyle. For some at the bottom looking up to the people at the peak of happiness, it seems as if they got there so effortlessly. Everything, Literally everything is not always what it seems to look like.
Time. Out of all the things I have said, take away one thing. Things. Take. Time. No one is going to wake up one morning completely fine. Sure, it may get easier, But not all by one nights sleep.
The next best info I could give you. Let go of the control you don’t have. We only have so much control over our lives that it is easy to get caught up obsessing over details you cant even control. Honestly, it’s not until things are completely out of control that we realize how little control we had in the first place. Let it go. I know this is easier said than done, but it wasn’t until the death of my best friend that I truly took this mindset seriously. In an instant, beyond your control, someone could make a mistake that swiftly changes their life forever, and your own, yet you had no involvement in their choice at all.
With all that being said, let me leave you with this. Healing takes time. Living with a positive mindset will make healing easier for you, trust me. Enjoy the little things of life. Find something in your life that makes you feel more purposeful- anything. Lastly. Life DOES get better, maybe not tomorrow and maybe not next month, but it does. Trust in yourself. Better days are coming I promise.
